Seraphim
by Otaku Raven
Summary: Set a few months after 220, Justin receives a phone call that changes his life and soon finds himself turning to Brian and fighting against familiar emotions. *FINISHED*
1. In The Arms of The Angel

Disclaimer – I own nothing. I am Showtime's whore. 

Title – Seraphim

Rating – PG-13 (language and light slash)

Summary – Set a few months after 220, Justin receives a phone call that changes his life and soon finds himself turning to Brian and fighting against familiar emotions. 

Seraphim

__

Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
there's always some reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release  
memory seeps from my veins  
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight  
  
in the arms of an angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you fear  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there

~ _Sarah McLachlan, "Angel"_

With a loud groan Justin slapped the alarm clock off and opened his eyes to the slight sunlight streaming through the blinds. Early morning classes were the worst, but at least his evenings were free. Not that he normally took advantage of that. He found himself going out less and less lately, he felt like a stranger in the vibrant, rainbow colored streets, like an outcast. Pushing those thoughts out of his mind he crawled out from underneath the warm covers and padded to his bathroom. As strange as it was living all alone it was nice to feel so independent. After things had ended with Ethan he felt too liberated to return to his mother or Debbie. Brian was out of the question. Fortunately he had been able to find a small, one-room apartment that he could afford with his share of the money he and Michael were generating from "Rage". What he was going to do when the book ceased to be lucrative was beyond him and he didn't like to think about it. He and Michael had been eventually able to resolve their differences in order to continue the book and the second issue was finally due out next month. 

Justin now acted solely as the artist however as he no longer had any desire to contribute to the story based on his failed relationship with Brian. The young man still found himself thinking about his former lover more than he would have liked to. That was inevitably the reason he parted ways with Ethan. He wasn't being fair to either one of them by remaining in a relationship with Brian, even if it was unconscious and even unwanted. Ethan had understood and despite Justin's intent feelings that it wouldn't work out, the two students had managed to remain friends. As the blond bent to turn on the shower he heard the ringing of his phone and moved to answer it. 

"Hello? . . . hey mom . . . fine . . . why? . . . mom, what's wrong? . . ."

Every muscle in Justin's face relaxed as his entire complexion paled.

"Yeah, I just . . . . are you okay? . . . no, I'm all right, I just-I just need a minute . . . okay, I'm gonna come over . . . yeah, I love you too, bye."

As soon as Justin placed the phone back in the cradle his legs gave out from under him and he fell to the floor. With trembling hands he covered his face and wept with sobs that shook his entire frame. His father was dead. Killed in a head-on collision going home from work last night. The doctors didn't think he'd hold on as long as he did. His father was dead, gone forever, and Justin sobbed as he imagined him going to his grave hating him for who he was. He hadn't spoken to his father since he'd moved out and the last thing he'd heard from him was that he was no longer going to pay for his schooling. Nothing since then, not one word between them, not even when he was in the hospital, and now he was gone. When his body ceased to convulse Justin managed to climb to his feet and into the shower, letting his tears wash away with the warm water. 

"Oh my God, Jennifer I'm so sorry," Debbie said sympathetically into the phone. "Look, if you need anything at all just left me know . . . of course, yes, I'll keep an eye on him . . . all right, take care sweetheart."

With a loud sigh Debbie hung the phone up.

"What's wrong?" Michael asked looking up from his breakfast at the diner counter

"Craig Taylor died this morning," she confessed sadly. 

"Justin's dad?" Michael responded unable to think of anything else. 

"Yeah," she confirmed. "Poor kid."

Michael waited for a moment as he pondered and then spoke up.

"Well, it's not as if the guy was ever nice to him or anything," Michael commented. "He did throw him out of the house and never accepted him for who he is."

"I know," she said. "That's why I think Sunshine's going to take it so hard."

The sound of the diner door opening made her look upwards as Brian walked towards them and upon getting no greeting took a seat next to Michael at the counter.

"Jesus, who died?"

With an annoyed glance, Debbie looked him square in the eyes but before she could scold him Michael spoke.

"Justin's dad."

Despite what he may have desired, Brian's heart missed a beat and his features slackened. 

"When?"

"This morning," Debbie informed him.

After a long moment of silence, she spoke up again. 

"You know, you _can_ ask about him, it doesn't make you weak," she added in angry tone before she took the coffeepot and moved to re-fill some patron's mugs. 

"Have you heard from him? Brian softly questioned to Michael.

"I just found out five seconds before you did," his friend answered. "Why don't you call him?"

As relieved as he was that the two men had eventually parted ways he felt that if anyone could get Justin's true feelings out it was Brian. Besides, Brian and Justin sadly shared similar relationships with their fathers and the boy was no doubt feeling what Brian did when Jack died. 

"It's not my business," Brian defended. "If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me."

"Yeah, well maybe it should be your business," Michael said as he moved to leave. "Christ, Brian, his dad died. I would have thought you of all people would have understood what he may be going through." 

Watching his best friend leave the hazel-eyed man suddenly recalled Justin arguing with him over two years ago about giving away his parental rights. Trying to convince him that no matter what his own father said or did to him he must have loved him. It was very clear that Justin had strong feeling about a son's relationship with his father. Now, his was gone and unless things had changed and he had not been informed, things probably had not ended well between them. Picking up his briefcase, Brian left without ordering anything and moved to the door. 

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Taylor?"

"Yes?"

"It's Brian."

On the other end of the line the man held his breath nervously. 

"Yes, hello Brian."

"Um, I just wanted to see if you both were all right, if Justin's okay?"

Jennifer sighed as she listened to him. Despite the fact that she still was still uncomfortable with the relationship that the older man had once had with her son, she was happy that he had called. It helped convince her that Justin had meant something to him, that he harbored genuine feelings even though their turbulent relationship had ended months ago.

"We're fine, thank you," she answered.

"Is he there?" Brian asked after a pause. 

"He is Brian, but . . . I don't think now is the best time."

Brian pushed it no further.

"It's okay, will you just tell him I called and, if he needs to talk . . ."

"I will, thank you," Jennifer said quickly before she wished him "good-bye" and hung the phone up.

"Was that him?"

The woman turned to find her son standing behind her in the doorway. Despite his reddened eyes he still gave off a natural radiance that she had never before seen in another human being. 

"I just wanna know if he called," Justin added when his mother hesitated in answering. 

"Yes," she answered. "That was him."

"What did he say?"

Jennifer moved closer to her son and held his hand tightly in comfort. 

"He wanted to know if you were all right, how you were doing."

Justin lowered his eyes for a moment.

"Sweetheart, _how are you doing?"_ she asked.

It seemed that everything had happened so quickly that they had only had time to cry and embrace, not to truly ask how the other was dealing with the sudden tragedy.

"I don't know," Justin began. "I still can't believe it."

Justin let him mother embrace him gently and when they pulled away the young man had tears in his eyes again. 

"Mom, I'm gonna go for a walk."

Jennifer looked at him closely.

"All right, just be careful Justin."

Her son mumbled an affirmative response and after kissing her on the cheek moved to the door. As he vanished, his mother had a feeling she knew exactly where her son was going to end up.

****

To be continued. 


	2. Fly Away From Here

Feeling the unfamiliar fingers run down his body Brian suddenly came to realize that for perhaps the first time in his life, getting a random blowjob in the backroom of Babylon wasn't going to make the feelings he had go away. He was beginning to feel physically sick and as the man moved to kiss his lips he moved his head to the side and pushed him away.

"Hey!" the abandoned man called out angrily. "Where the fuck do you think you're goin'?"

Brian ignored him and moved to the door. Almost as soon as he was outside his knees buckled and leaned into the wall for support. Everything was spinning and his stomach churned with a nauseating precision. Placing his hands on his knees he tried to gain control of his body but fell back against the brink once again as his head became light. He could feel the strangers' eyes on him as they walked by but no one spoke a word to him. After a long moment he tested gravity again and gently walked back to his jeep. 

Brian leaned his weight against the elevator as it slowly crawled its way up the building. There was nothing he wanted to do more than to lie down and let his sudden sickness pass over his. When his door finally came into view and the lift stopped with a careful jolt his stomach sank as he spied the young blond man waiting, hands in his pockets, eyes downcast. Everything was closing in on him but he heard his own voice before he realized that his lips had moved.

"Justin?"

The younger man raised his head and looked blankly at him, briefly feigning a smile as he struggled to find something to say to the man with whom he had not spoken to in what seemed like ages. 

"You hear?" he asked timidly.

"Yeah," Brian answered, nodding his head once quickly. "I'm sorry."

Again Justin tried to smile a little but failed.

"I, uh," he hesitated. "I had gone for a walk and I made my way here . . . out of habit I guess."

Finally the boy did managed a genuine grin before he continued.

"I wanted to talk to you. I mean, if you don't mind. It's just, you know what it's like and I haven't been able to - "

Brian stopped him with a raise of his hands as he heard Justin's voice falter and came towards him, wrapping his long, comforting arms slowly around his slight frame. After a moment Justin slid his arms around him as well and buried his face in Brian's shoulder as his body shivered. Brian sighed against him, running his fingers into his blond locks that had grown noticeably longer since they had parted, and did his best to soothe his muffled cries. 

"It's all right," he whispered. "Shhhh." 

The older man moved his hand to the youth's back when Justin pulled away and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"I'm sorry," he breathed.

Brian smiled sadly and took his arm.

"Come on," he urged. "Come inside."

Justin followed close behind him as he walked into the loft for the first time since he'd come to collect his belongings to move in with Ethan. When Brian slid the door shut Justin felt an awkwardness that he had not experienced since the first night he'd meet Brian. Feeling strangely weak Justin lowered himself onto the couch and kept his eyes locked on the floor as Brian moved to sit beside him.

"He hated me," Justin whispered as his eyes filled with tears again. "He died hating me."

"Justin," Brian began. "He didn't hate you. . . me on the other hand . . ."

Brian watched the slight gleam return to the cobalt eyes as Justin laughed just a precious little and then shut his eyes, releasing tears that had been on the brink. Reaching forward, Brian smoothly thumbed the salty drops away and slid his arm around his shoulder.

"He didn't hate you," he repeated.

"Things ended so badly Brian," Justin continued. "The last time I even heard about him was when mom said he wasn't going to pay for PIFA anymore. He never even came by to see me when I was in the hospital . . . "

Brian looked away as Justin stopped for a moment to take in a large breath.

"Or when I got out," he added. "He didn't care. He never said anything about what happened, about the trial, nothing."

Pushing the lump down his throat Brian loosened his grip on his shoulder and slid his hand down to his back, pulling him closer against his body and resting his chin on the top of his head. Even as the conditions were now the older man felt so natural holding him like that, like things used to be. 

"Justin, you have to believe me when I tell you that your father couldn't have hated you," he urged gently. "Yes, he may not have been too happy with who you were and who you – who you loved, but regardless you were still his son and he did love you. All of his disapproval of you, trying to get you away from it, away from me, was meant to keep you safe."

Slowly the blond nuzzled his cheek against Brian's chest and pulled his legs up under him as he felt himself relax under Brian's familiar fingertips.

"What about your dad?" he very quietly questioned. "How do you think he felt about you when he died?"

Brian lowered his lips to the golden strands and closed his eyes.

"I don't know," he breathed. "With all the shit we went though, all the problems . . ."

He paused and Justin held his breath.

"I don't know."

Justin slowly exhaled and made no attempt to push it further. The warmth of Brian's body pressed against his calmed him more than he thought possible and the young man struggled to push back the tender nostalgia that came unbidden. Concentrating on Brian's fingers as they slowly caressed his back, Justin closed his eyes once more and felt himself surrender to the soothing rhythm of Brian's heart. 

__

Desolate.

Cold.

Anger.

Black birds mourning.

Weeping trees.

Rain.

Eternal.

Tears of blood and objection.

Hands caked in black earth.

Justin's eyes snapped open and he felt the moisture in his palms as he touched them to his forehead. He couldn't shake the vivid color of the dream from his mind. Looking to the large window in front of him the young man saw the orange and pink sky and cursed himself under his breath for having slept for so long. His mother was going to be panicked. Carefully Justin disentangled himself from Brian's arms and silently rose to his feet. As he straightened his clothes he looked into Brian's sleeping face and felt such gratitude and love towards him. Smiling, he leaned in and kissed him delicately on the temple before he turned and soundlessly left the loft. 

It seemed like the only sound in the world that evening was the steady click of Brian's shoes as they repeatedly touched the gray concrete. Almost immediately after he had woken up alone he'd gone out in search of him. That is, after he was certain that Justin was indeed gone, flown away without a trace. All though he knew where the tiny apartment the boy owned was located, he figured that he would be spending at least a few nights with his mother and sister at Jennifer's home. He had parked his jeep a ways down the street and opted to walk the rest of the way and as the white building finally came into view Brian continued to walk until he was able to see the small window he knew to be a part of Justin's room. The white blinds were drawn shut and Brian could only make out the shadow of his desk lamp. For the life of him Brian could not understand why he had truly come. Perhaps to assure himself that he had gotten home safely. 

But he could have simply called.

It was then that he caught Justin's unmistakable form walk near the window. He watched with heightened interest as the black figure moved into the light's path and raised a hand up to the left and pulled the blinds up in one smooth movement. Brian had no idea why he had chosen that exact moment to open the blinds but when their eyes meet from across the small yard all the feelings resurfaced which had earlier when he came home to find the boy waiting for him. Feeling as if he should somehow acknowledge their visual connection, Brian slowly raised his arm and moved his fingers in a languid wave. Immediately Justin performed the same gentle greeting and watched through slightly blurry eyes as Brain turned and walked away. 

****

To be continued.


	3. From This Dark, Cold Hotel Room

The air that morning was cool and crisp with the imminent rain which hovered over the gathered clad in black. The velvet voice of the priest swayed in the gentle breeze and tickled their ears as the mourners listened to the clergyman review the life of Craig Taylor. Brian's hazel eyes moved over to the slender blond who stood next to his mother with his head slightly bowed. He looked painfully young to be burying anyone. Brian looked back as the final words were spoken, the last prayer offered, and the mahogany box slowly lowered into the ground. Beside Justin, Jennifer wiped her eyes with a tissue and clasped her small daughter's hand to the other side of her. As the guests began to filter back, Brain was surprised when Justin immediately backed away and moved towards him. Completely unable to even guess at what Justin was going to say, Brian remained still and waited for him.

"Will you come with me?" Justin asked in a soft and pleading voice.

Brian blinked once as if astonished that Justin believed he was capable of denying him.

"Where?" He responded.

"Anywhere," the teenager answered as he exhaled slowly. 

Nodding once the older man cast a quick look passed Justin to his mother to find that her eyes were already locked on him. After a moment the woman game him a little, sad smile.

"Okay," he whispered.

Justin sniffed and walked to his side, placing his hands deep in his pockets, as the two men began a languid, aimless stroll. Leaving the jeep they decided to follow the sidewalk outside the cemetery, which eventually lead them to a quiet section of the city, fairly un-crowded by pedestrians. They talked back and forth about art, advertising, school and accounts. Occasionally Brian would manage to slip a little joke in that caused Justin to smile and even laugh a few times. When the first few drops began to fall, the pair turned and headed back to get the jeep. As their pace quickened, Brian felt Justin clasp his hand within his own; whether or not it was in order to keep up or something else he didn't know. 

He didn't care.

As they climbed up into the seats, no sooner than they had closed the doors than the sky fell upon them. After he turned on the ignition, Brian turned to Justin who was silently staring past the rain and back into the cemetery.

"Where am I taking you?" he asked him.

Justin leaned back in his seat and turned to face him.

"My place is, like, 10 minutes up the road."

"You don't wanna go back to your mom's tonight?" he questioned with a furrowed brow.

Shaking his head the young man looked back out into the rain as Brian backed out and drove him home.

"So, have you talked to him lately?"

Justin turned back towards him but Brian kept his eyes on the road.

"He called a few weeks ago," he explained. "But not since then; calls from Italy are expensive."

"Italy?" Brian questioned.

"Yeah," Justin answered. "He got a full scholarship to study abroad there and he left just after – after we broke up. I think it was actually one of the reasons we split."

Brian continued to stare at the yellow lines in the middle of the cement but as he listened to him he nevertheless began to feel uncomfortable and regretted that he had brought it up. 

"I didn't want him to go but I couldn't go with him."

_Ethan has wanted Justin to go to Italy with him?_

"It's here."

Brian snapped out of his musings and turned to the left, parking the jeep at the curb.

"You wanna come up?"

The older man's mind was screaming at him to drive away. With every passing second he could feel the old tension between them mounting. It was becoming harder and harder to keep his mind off of him. To keep his lips off of him. On the other hand, he reminded himself of the huge loss that Justin had suffered and that it was probably not in the boy's best interest to be left alone, at least, not yet. 

Turning the engine off, Brian got out of the vehicle and jogged into the building with Justin, eager to get out of the rain. Walking behind him he took in the surroundings which he had only previously seen from the outside. When Justin had first moved out of Ethan's apartment and moved into his first independent lodging, he had received a call from him telling him where it was and the phone number in case he ever needed or wanted to reach him. Needless to say he had never called and had never been inside the aging building. They walked up to the third floor on darkened steps and the older man followed silently behind the blond until he stopped before a door with the number "17" hanging in faded brass on the wood. 

"This is it," Justin said with a little touch of pride in his voice as he slipped his key into the lock.

With a smooth movement Justin opened the door and moved aside for Brian to enter. The room was small, but not nearly as bad as Brian had envisioned when Justin had first told him that he was living alone. From what he could tell it consisted of one large central room and a small bathroom off to the left. He had a table in the little kitchen to the right. Everywhere he looked were the boy's books, sketchpads, photos and pencils. He smiled. So very Justin.

"I know it's not what you're used to," Justin began as he closed and locked the door.

"No," Brian interrupted as the younger man moved towards him. "It's good. It's you." 

Justin smiled and slipped off his black jacket, hanging it over the back of a chair.

"How does mommy feel about you living out here all alone?"

The youth shrugged and took another step towards him.

"I think she's happy I've finally become independent," he explained. "She calls every other day but I think she's all right. Now, I don't know how she's gonna feel about it . . . if she's gonna want me closer after . . . everything that's happened."

Brian watched with concern as Justin's eyes glazed over again and he sighed loudly.

"So does the independent man have anything to drink?" he asked trying to lighten the mood as he opened the small refrigerator door. 

"Afraid not," Justin answered. "Still not old enough to buy anything good."

When Brian closed the appliance door he was somewhat startled to find Justin standing directly before him. 

"Thank you," he whispered. "For coming to the funeral, for coming here . . . for everything." 

Brian nodded once and held his breath as Justin slipped his arms around his back and pulled his body against his again. Brian slowly enfolded him in his embrace and rested his cheek against the softness of his vibrant hair. After a moment he felt the small fingers on his back increase in pressure before beginning to slide upwards. Feeling his body stiffen slightly, Brian gently pulled away but soon felt Justin's hand clasp the curve of his neck and pull his lips against his own. At the first touch of the familiar silkiness Brian pulled back but not out of Justin's delicate yet determined hold. Justin opened his eyes and looked with hesitation into Brian's as the older man stood still against him. After what seemed to be an eternity, Brian leaned back in and took Justin's upper lip between the both of his. The blond moved his arms up to slide around his neck and leaned the weight of his body against him as their kiss deepened. Brian tightened his hold on him as Justin slowly pulled him backwards towards his small bed.

How many times since they had parted had he thought about this? About him? About the feel of his hair, his lips, his body pressed up against him as it used to be on a daily basis? Brian snaked his fingers down to the buttons of Justin's dress shirt and suddenly stopped.

__

Buttons popping.

"What's wrong?" Justin breathed against him when he noticed that Brian had stopped moving and stood still before him as he had when they'd first kissed that evening. 

Brian's own voice echoed in his head.

__

"It's hot in here."

"Justin. . . " he began, but paused when he looked into the young man's confused and helpless expression.

"What?" Justin questioned. "What is it?"

Brian just shook his head slowly a couple of times and slid his hands down and off Justin's body.

"Justin, I'm sorry," he managed to whisper. "I never should have – this was a bad idea."

"Why?" he questioned in the broken voice of a child.

"You don't want this," he gently insisted.

"Yes, I do," Justin urged as his fingers moved to undo the black knot in Brian's tie.

Michael's voice.

__

"What? A meaningless fuck so you don't have to think about your dad?"

"Justin," Brian said in a clear but still gentle tone. "You have to trust me, you don't want this. I'm sorry I let it get this far, but I'm stopping it now."

Justin's vision blurred and he took a small step away from him.

"Oh God," he softly whined before he began to choke on his emotion again.

"No, no, don't," Brian whispered as he came towards him again with arms outstretched. Justin folded his hands to his chest and allowed Brian to pull him against his own, fully enfolding him. Running his hands slowly up and down his body, Brian gradually felt the tenseness of his skin relax as Justin sighed into him.

"Will you still stay with me a while?" he asked, his voice muffled by Brian's chest.

"Yeah," he mummered against his hair, surprised by the tears in his own eyes.

The two men toed their shoes off and fell back together onto the bed. Brian settled down and slipped his arm around Justin's back as the youth curled his body around him and rested his cheek on his chest. Justin slowly took in a large, calming breath and tried to relax as he felt Brian settle beneath him.

"How long do you think it's going to rain?" he asked softly.

Brian closed his eyes and listened to the rhythm of the drops striking Justin's window to his left.

"I don't know," he responded. "Try and get some sleep."

Snuggling deeper into the soft fabric of Brian's shirt, Justin closed his eyes and languidly felt himself slip away. 

The high-pitched ring of his cell phone pulled Brian back from his pleasant sleep. Following the noise he spied his jacket where it had fallen to the floor earlier and pondered upon the best way to reach it without disturbing the youth curled against his body. Brian carefully pulled his arm away from Justin's back and slid off the firm mattress, feeling Justin unconsciously follow him and eventually settle sideways on the bed. Blinking to clear his eyes, Brian padded over to his jacket and reached inside the pocket, pulling out his phone and bringing it to his ear. 

"What," he asked in an annoyed voice.

"Where the hell are you? I've been calling your place all day." 

"Mikey," Brian began. "Now isn't a good time."

"Brian, where are you? Are you with Justin? Just tell me where you are."

"Look Mikey, I've got to go," Brian began to conclude. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Brian, wait, just - "

Not waiting for his friend to finish, Brian slid his phone closed and picked his jacket up, putting the mobile back in the pocket, and holding it limp in his hands. He didn't know why he had been so impatient with his friend, he just didn't feel like explaining himself.

"What did he want?"

Brian turned around to see Justin sitting up in the middle of the bed. His hair was slightly mussed from his sleep and his clothes were wrinkled.

"Are you leaving?" Justin asked with tired eyes.

"I probably should," Brian said. "Are you going to be all right?"

Running a hand through his hair Justin moved to rise off the bed. 

"Yeah, I'll be OK," he said quietly as he moved off the bed and towards Brian.

"If you need anything . . ." Brian began but trailed off.

"I know," Justin smiled. "Thank you."

As the taller man slowly slipped his jacket on Justin moved and opened the door for him. Brian moved over the threshold and stopped, turning back to him. Quickly, as if to act before he could change his mind, Brian leaned in and kissed the young man's upturned lips. He was surprised when he tried to pull away after a while and was physically unable to do so. After a long moment, Justin slowly pulled back and softly smiled.

"Later," he whispered.

"Later," Brian grinned back.

The blond watched Brian turn and slowly disappeared down the dark stairs. As he re-closed the door, Justin felt a distant flutter in his chest that did not vanish even with the click of the latch. 

****

To be continued.


	4. And The Endlessness That You Fear

"Justin! Justin!"

The young blonde turned around at the familiar sound of his name and took a step back in surprise.

"Ethan?" he seemed to question loudly as the dark haired youth came up to him with open arms.

The two men embraced warmly in the middle of the sidewalk about a block from Justin's apartment. When they pulled away Ethan kept his fingers curled lightly around his upper arms and smiled brightly at him.

"What are you doing here?" Justin asked. "When did you get back?"

"Early this morning," Ethan answered. "And surprise, surprise, there was no interest in my place while I was away so it looks like I'm home again."

Justin smiled but pulled gently out of Ethan's arms.

"So how's it going?" Ethan asked. "You like you're new place?"

Justin nodded.

Ethan narrowed his eyes a little and took a step closer to him.

"Justin, what's wrong?'

The artist shrugged and slightly moved away from him 

"It's been kinda hard lately Ethan," Justin tried to explain but he found his words carried away by the sudden breeze.

"Is it school?"

Justin shook his head and attempted to wipe the tears from his eyes before Ethan saw them. 

"My dad . . . he passed away the other day."

"Jesus . . .," Ethan began. "Justin, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he answered somewhat roughly, annoyed suddenly. 

"You wanna go somewhere and hang for a while?"

"Yeah," Justin said quickly. "Sure. You want to come see my place?"

The violinist smiled sadly at him.

"Sure."

Justin turned swiftly and moved down the sidewalk with his ex-boyfriend at his side. Ethan remained mostly silent as he followed Justin to his apartment, but when they arrived, praised Justin for finding such a perfect little dwelling for himself. 

"You've been doing all right since I've been away," he smiled, sitting next to Justin on the couch. "I'm impressed."

"Christ, then it must be good," Justin laughed lightly.

Ethan smiled and then seemed to freeze. Justin watched with curiosity as he took in a sudden deep breath. 

"Justin, I need to confess something," he began softly as Justin waited with uncertainly. "I didn't get back this morning. I've been back for a week. My apartment was rented out and I haven't been able to find anything else."

Justin sat motionless beside him for a moment before he spoke.

"Where have you been staying since you got back then?" he asked concerned.

"I found a little place near school," he explained. "It's not that bad, usually, just a little intimidating sometimes." 

"Ethan," Justin breathed knowing full well that his friend had been sleeping at the bus station a block away from the institute. 

"Why didn't you come to me sooner? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Ethan leaned back into the small couch and slowly shrugged his shoulders.

"Pride," he confessed. "I just came back from an incredible semester in Italy, surrounded by some of the world's best art, architecture and musicians and now I'm homeless? It just didn't seem to make any sense."

Despite the situation, Justin couldn't help but grin.

"God, that is so like you, Ethan," he admitted. "But I really do wish that you had come here sooner. It's so dangerous out there."

'Well, I'm here now," Ethan continued. "And can I take this to mean that you'll let me stay with you, just for a little while, until I get back on my feet?" 

For a moment, Justin hesitated. Was he really thinking this through or just letting his compassion run rampant? Having an ex-lover move in was bound to create tension and awkwardness. But he couldn't imagine anyone he cared about living on the street. 

"Of course you can," he agreed.

"Jesus, Justin, you're a saint," he breathed as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms warmly around his back, tightening his grip when he felt Justin return the gesture. 

"Thank you so much, Justin," Ethan said as he pulled away. "And I promise, things won't get weird." 

"That's good," he responded as his mind raced back to the other night with Brian. "That's one thing I don't need any more of right now."

The harsh air bit at the tips of his ears as Justin pulled his jacket tighter around himself to better block out the cold. This morning seemed more bitter than usual. Of course, the fact that he hadn't slept very well last night didn't help him any. Ethan had immediately insisted on sleeping on the couch when Justin offered him the bed but that didn't loosen the strange air in the room that night. It was strange having someone sleeping near him again, especially an old partner. Daphne had stayed over once or twice before, but he had grown accustomed to sleeping alone. 

That was a lie.

Since the first night he fell asleep at Brian's side he had hated the feeling of an empty bed. 

"Hey."

Justin turned around and was startled to see Brian walking towards him. He held his breath as he looked at him. Even dressed to accommodate the unyielding weather he carried and immaculance with him. Long legs dressed in dark brown slacks that were mostly hidden by the warm tan coat that stopped right at his knees. Justin suddenly hated that the black lenses he wore masked his gorgeous eyes.

"Hey," Justin heard himself answer before he realized it. 

"How are you?"

The boy smiled despite his suspension that Brian was only speaking to him on account of what he'd done, or tried to do, the other night.

"All right," he shrugged looking up at him.

"You wanna go get some coffee?"

The younger man blinked almost out of confusion. He couldn't remember the last time Brian had ever been so considerate of him with the exception of when he was recovering and becoming accustomed to being around people again.

You all ready have some," Justin said looking at the streaming cup in Brian's hand. "And I'm on my way to class."

The other man seemed to falter for a moment before he spoke again.

"I'll walk with you."

Justin dropped his eyes and began to move once Brian was at his side. For a moment neither of them spoke but the vibe surrounding them was comfortable.

"You should get a new jacket," Brian said as he observed Justin's shivering.

"Yeah, but clothes aren't really high on my priority list right now," he responded. 

"But your health should be," Brian added. "Here."

He offered Justin his cup of coffee with an outstretched arm and the teenager took it after a brief moment of hesitation, pleasantly surprised as the warmth immediately brought his hands back to life. Justin slowly pulled the paper cup to his lips and took one long and deep swallow. He moaned softly as the heat travailed languidly down his throat. 

"Good?" Brian questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Justin nodded and handed the drink back to him.

"Yeah, I can see why you pay five bucks for this stuff now."

"Finish it," Brian said when Justin tried to give the cup back to him. "You look fucking white."

Justin smiled a little and pulled the warmth back to his body.

"_I am _fucking white," he grinned.

"You know what I mean," Brian continued. "You're skinny as hell too."

Justin tried not to let his secret joy that Brian was concerned about him show.

"I'm fine Brian," he insisted and then turned his face towards him. "But thank you."

Brian lowered his eyes and continued to walk with him down the snow-spotted sidewalk towards the art institute.

"You wanna get together after school?" he suggested after a while.

From somewhere inside himself Justin had to force the slight laugh into recession. It just sounded so juvenile, so adolescent, so un-like Brian to offer such a thing.

"Why?" Justin asked with a slightly furrowed brow. 

He didn't mean to sound rude, he just didn't know what else to say. 

Brian slowly shrugged his shoulders and dipped his head slightly. 

"I don't know," he confessed. "Do you really _need_ a reason?"

Justin smiled at him and pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes.

"I'd like to," he began. "But I should probably go home after school. Ethan's - "

Justin stopped talking as soon as the name passed his lips, almost like he was ashamed. Brian's paced slowed a little and he shoved his hands deep into his coat pockets. 

"He's back?" he asked keeping his eyes on the concrete path before him.

"Yeah," Justin half-heartily answered. "His apartment was rented while he was away so he's staying with me until he finds somewhere else to go."

"He's living with you?"

Justin turned to meet his eyes, but Brian continued to look away.

"Yeah . . .just until he gets a place of his own," Justin repeated.

Brian raised his head up and visibly swallowed. Justin's eyes were unable to move off of him and he was suddenly taken by an insatiable desire to be around him, near him. 

"You wanna grab something to eat when I get out?"

Finally, Brian turned and their eyes met. Even from behind the darkly tinted glasses, Justin could feel the amber glow. 

"Sure," he agreed. "The diner?"

"Yeah, that's good," Justin said as he pulled his jacket more snugly around him, careful not to overturn the cup in his hand. "I gotta get going. Thanks for the coffee."

Brian smiled the slightest little bit and watched him turn his back and walk away. He allowed his eyes to linger on the beautiful, seemingly delicate form before he turned around and walked back towards his jeep. 

"How's your art coming?"

Justin shrugged his shoulders.

"Can't complain," he said. "I'm getting better at, doing it naturally, you can say, but I still need the computer to do certain things."

"That's good," Brian smiled from the other side of the booth.

"You wanna see the one I just finished?"

Brian raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know shit about art," he stated. "You know that."

Justin kept their eyes locked.

"But yeah, sure."

The teenager moved to pick up his portfolio that had been resting on the floor next to him.

"I actually really do like this one," he said proudly, opening the large album and coming to sit beside Brian in the booth, showing him his piece.

On a large sheet of off-white paper, Justin had drawn hands. From halfway up the forearm to the fingertips were hands. Dark and light, old and young, all involved with an activity. A smooth pair of feminine hands were poised as if ready to play the piano. A large, slightly wrinkled pair held a rosary with love and adoration. An entwined set of non-distinguishable hands were pressed against the other like lovers. It was the pair in the middle however that caught Brian's eye. One tiny hand was wrapped securely around the finger of what appeared to be an older man. 

Brian very vividly recalled suddenly a weekend when he had had Gus and that his son had done the same thing to him when he had laid him down in his crib. He'd smiled and turned to Justin whom he could have sworn had tears in his eyes.

"What do you call it?" he asked, clearing his throat.

" 'Humanity'," Justin answered as he moved slightly closer to him. 

Brian exhaled and turned to look directly into the artist's eyes.

"It's good Justin," he told him. "It's really fucking good."

The blonde smiled brightly and thanked him for his compliment. It filled him with such pride to hear Brian praise his work, especially when he was so often the inspiration, whether he knew it or not.

"This one was my entire reason for doing this," Justin told him, moving to point to the hands of the man and infant.

As he moved closer to his panting, the soft strands of his hair brushed against Brian's cheek.

"What do you think of this one?" Justin asked turning towards him once again.

When Brian met his eyes, the two found that they were mere inches apart.

"Beautiful," he breathed.

The men stared as if unable to turn away from one another.

"Sunshine!"

Justin turned quickly to find Debbie standing next to their table, balancing a tray on her right hand.

"I didn't even see you there," she smiled. "How are you honey?"

"I'm all right," he smiled up at her.

"Well, if you need anything, you just ask me, understand?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good," she continued and then stole a glance at Brian. 'What have you boys been up to?"

Justin spoke up before Brian had a chance to.

"I'm just showing him some of my work," he explained as if he felt guilty.

"I see" she replied between smacks of her gum. "You make sure I get to see those sometime, huh?"

Justin nodded and smiled as she leaned in to playfully ruffle his hair.

"I've got to get back to work," she smiled. "Take care of yourself . . . you too."

Brian locked eyes with her as Debbie walked towards the waiting patrons at another table. The young man leaned back into the booth and gazed back over at Brian. After a moment, they both smiled in the inauspicious silence. 

"You really like it?'

"Very much."

Justin reached forward to close the portfolio, brushing Brian's hands in the process, and moved to stand.

"I should be heading back home," he said. "Ethan's going to be wondering where I am."

"You want me to drive you?" Brian offered.

"Nah, I'll be all right," he answered. "Thanks."

Brian pushed his back into the booth and remained silent as Justin prepared to leave. 

"Later."

Everything inside his body screamed at Brian not to let Justin walk out that door. To pull him into his arms and never let him go again. 

Not again.

"Later," he heard himself say.

Justin secured the portfolio around his shoulder and after a final, fleeting glance, turned and walked out the door.

Brian lowered his face into his hands and closed his eyes.

****

To be continued.


	5. You are Pulled From the Wreakage

The first thing that caught Justin's attention when he walked back into his apartment was the small in the air. Closing the door, he followed the unmistakable aroma of pizza inside until he found Ethan standing in the kitchen.

"Hey!" The young musician exclaimed upon seeing him. "I was starting to wonder where you were."

"I had some stuff to do after class," Justin explained as he walked towards him. "What's this for?"

"Well, I know it's not much at all," he began. "Especially in light of everything you're doing for me, but it's something at least."

"Ethan, you shouldn't have," Justin said, smiling softly. "Not with the way things are right now."

"I couldn't help it," Ethan insisted. "I had to do something for you, to show my eternal gratitude."

Justin lowered his work onto the floor and placed his hands on the counter.

"Well come eat, before it gets cold."

The artist moved to sit across from Ethan, taking note that his stomach began to grumble as he inhaled the smell more closely. 

"I knew you were hungry," Ethan said as he sliced the pizza. "You've got the metabolism of a freakin' gerbil." 

Justin laughed as he took a piece and pulled it up to his mouth.

"Oh my God," Justin proclaimed. "It's really, really good."

"Jesus, you're acting like you haven't eaten all day," Ethan smirked.

"Yeah, it's strange. I went to - "

Justin stopped mid-sentence as he realized that he and Brian had never ordered anything. They had been so engrossed with one another that they had seemingly forgotten their hunger. 

"What?"

Justin focused his eyes.

"Nothing," he lied. "I guess I'm just kinda out of it."

"Rough day?"

"You could say that."

Justin finished his sentence and took a large gulp of the soda Ethan had poured for him in a nearby glass. 

"Are you going to go back to school?"

Ethan waited a moment before he shrugged his shoulders.

"I hope so," he said earnestly. "I talked to my instructor when I got back and I'm due in class in about two weeks. Finding a place to stay is really my top priority though. I've been playing on the streets since I got home. Made about 250 bucks so far, and I've sill got my scholarship so I don't need to worry about that." 

"That's good," Justin responded with honest eyes. "You got too much talent for it to go to waste. Did you have any luck finding a place to rent today?"

"One," he answered. "Just a little ways up the road from here. That may be the only place I can get so I'm going to keep my eye on it but continue looking. It's really, _really_ not that great of a place."

"That's OK," Justin immediately assured him. "I told you, you can stay here as long as you need."

Ethan smiled again and suddenly motioned to the corner of his mouth with his hand. 

"You've got a little . . ."

When Justin attempted to wipe away the wayward sauce near his mouth, Ethan moved from his stool and softly brushed it away with a napkin. Justin flinched slightly at the sudden contact but held still when the dark eyed boy clasped the side of his face and stoked his cheek with a gentle movement of his thumb. 

"I really am grateful for this Justin," he breathed.

The blonde's eyes widened slightly and he felt his heart rate increase.

"I've missed being around you," he softly continued. "I've missed you."

As he whispered the last word, Ethan moved in and pressed his lips to Justin's cheek. Justin closed his eyes against the contact and when Ethan slowly kissed his way to his mouth, he sighed. He knew it was wrong. He didn't have these feelings towards him anymore, as Ethan obviously still had towards him. But he couldn't pull away. It seemed like an eternity had passed since someone had last touched him like this, and the mishap with Brian had only made it worse. He kept telling himself to push him away, to tell Ethan that there was no chance of them ever getting back together, but he felt so devoid of human contact, so vulnerable. 

When Ethan found his lips, he opened his mouth. 

Justin slid his hands up to Ethan's shoulders and pushed him back. 

"Ethan . . ."

"What is it?"

In his mind Justin screamed at him to stop. This will never work. He didn't want this. But instead, his eyes filled with tears and Ethan moved to kiss away the salty drops.

"Shhh," he soothed. "It's all right, don't cry . . . I'm here."

Justin swallowed and slid his arms around his neck. Ethan's hands went to the small of his back and the two men moved across the room until Justin felt the mattress under his back. Their bodies were pressed together as if glued and their hair gave off a magnificent contrast. Justin felt himself fall apart under his fingers as Ethan's slid his hands under his shirt and caressed the smooth skin beneath, keeping their lips connected as Justin ran his right hand into his hair. 

When the musician moved to remove his shirt, Justin raised his arms and then pulled him back almost in desperation. The cloth of Ethan's shirt tickled his bare chest and with a quick nudge he urged him out of his own clothes. Looking back up into his eyes, he was startled to see the familiar hazel instead of black. Skin against skin he felt Brian. 

Tasted him on his mouth. 

Sighed under his touch.

Fingers locked he pulled him close, wanting every fraction of the long, slender body against him, inside him. Brian's breath on his neck, lips at his back, arms pressed against his. When he came he felt himself caught between screaming and crying. Everything felt so right, so wondrously normal. 

Lying back, he rested his ear against Brian's chest and closed his eyes, listening to the frantic beat of his heart. Brian's arms were around him; holding him; keeping him.

"Are you OK?"

Justin opened his eyes. It wasn't Brian's voice.

Not Brian's voice.

He lacked the ability to meet the midnight. He wanted the desert sand. 

Justin slid his arm tight around Ethan's waist and hoped that he would take that for an answer, regardless of its true meaning. Justin closed his eyes again and concentrated. 

Teasing lips. 

Seductive eyes. 

Tapered fingers. 

Elegant neck.

He closed his eyes and felt Brian nuzzle into his hair to sleep.

****

To be continued. 


	6. Of Your Silent Reverie

Justin woke up feeling calm. His entire body was loose and still against the starched white sheets of his bed. From the back of his mind he gradually became aware of the warm body pressed against him. In the night, Justin had turned to his side and the arms were around him, pulling him back against the warmth. Feeling the hands on his chest, the serenity began to vanish. The hands covered a strange area of his skin. They felt small and boy-like, abnormally constraining him. Closing his eyes, he remembered.

Justin moved carefully out of the embrace, and went to dress and quickly and as quietly as humanly possible. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew that he had to get out of his apartment before he heard Ethan's voice. Slipping his jacket on, he locked Ethan inside and headed down to the oddly-comforting street. 

"Cutie, what bring you here?" Melanie excalimed as she opened the door. 

"You guys aren't busy are you?" Justin asked a little apprehensively.

"No, no, no," she answered immediately, reaching for his shoulder. "Come on in. You can have breakfast with us."

Justin smiled and followed her into the living room where Lindsay was busy cutting their son's food.

"Justin, I thought I heard your voice," she smiled radiantly.

Gus turned around to discover the sudden object of his mother's attention. Upon seeing the young man approaching, the child raised his arm and bent his fingers in a makeshift wave. 

"Oh my God, that's so adorable," Justin exclaimed as he moved to kneel in front of him. "He's still the cutest baby I've ever seen."

"He's hardly a baby anymore," Melanie said with a motherly touch of pride. "He'll be a man before we know it."

Justin laughed a little and softly ruffled Gus' familiar chestnut hair.

"Sweetheart," Lindsay began. "Is everything OK?"

"Yeah," Justin said as he stood. "I just . . . was in the neighborhood."

Lindsay nodded and moved to stand beside him.

"Well as long as you're here, you might as well make yourself useful," she said in a mockingly-stern tone.

Justin looked at her with curiosity in his eyes.

"You can lend me your critique on this new piece I'm working on," she explained, looping her arm with his.

Lindsay's eyes moved to her partner and Melanie gave her a gentle smile before the tall blonde woman led Justin up the stairs to her studio. Once inside, the young man immediately spied the painting on the easel. It was a winged woman at the beach; the sand was dotted with red rose buds.

"I started this one about a month ago and I'm finally close to finishing it," she said. "I don't have a name for it yet however." 

"I'm sure you'll think of something," Justin encouraged her, keeping his attention on the piece.

Lindsay turned towards him with caring blue eyes.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

Justin exhaled and lowered his eyes. It was stupid to try and hide anything from her. Of course, he hadn't come to their house to hide anything in the first place.

"I did something really stupid Lindsay," he admitted in a thick voice.

"What happened?"

Justin blinked back the sudden tears and silently cursed himself for them.

"Ethan – he's been staying with me since he got back from Europe, until he finds a place of his own. With everything that's happened recently, I just . . . wasn't thinking clearly. Last night I . . . I slept with him. I don't know what the hell made me do it - "

__

Liar

Justin heard his own voice in his head.

"I know he still cares about me, he told me last night, but I . . ."

"You don't love him like that anymore," Lindsay finished for him when his voice trailed off.

"Why'd I do it Lindsay?" he questioned. "When I knew that absolutely no good could come from it, why did I do it?" 

The woman placed a soft hand on his shoulder.

"You were lonely," she offered. "You've felt lonely since your father passed away and you haven't had a lover to comfort you the way that only they can. I don't mean to sound psychological Justin, but it's pretty obvious, and easy to understand why you didn't it. Don't beat yourself up trying to figure this out when you know the answer."

Justin sighed but looked into her eyes which were the color of his own.

"But that doesn't change things," he added. 

"You're right," she agreed. "It doesn't. But you can."

"I don't wanna hurt him."

"You may have no choice. He has to find out sooner or later, only in this situation, later will hurt him more." 

Justin exhaled and looked back to her painting. Of course, she was right. Lindsay always had a way of telling him what he needed to hear, good or bad. She reminded him of Debbie. The sudden image of Lindsay in a gaudy red wig cause him to laugh.

"What?" Lindsay smiled.

Justin looked back up and her wrapped his arms around her in an appreciative hug.

"Thanks Linz," he whispered. 

"You're welcome Jus," she responded. 

The sound of the deadbolt sliding back to allow him to enter his apartment was the loudest noise that Justin had ever heard. The door felt like layered steel as he opened it and was immediately accosted by Ethan's voice. 

"Justin," he said, emerging from the couch. "I was worried, where did you - "

"This was a mistake."

Ethan's face visibly slackened and then tightened again in confusion. Justin forced the air from his lungs as he realized that he had been holding his breath. 

"What? What are you talking about?"

"What happened last night was a mistake. I never should have let it happen. I wasn't thinking straight."

"What do you mean a mistake?"

"Ethan you know what I mean, please don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"No, Justin, I know how I feel, it wasn't a mistake."

"For you no, but . . . Ethan, I don't feel that way about you anymore. I'm sorry. I still love and respect you as a friend and a musician, but not as al lover."

Ethan lowered his eyes, dropped his arms weakly to his sides and came towards him.

"So, what? Last night meant nothing to you? You just wanted a quick fuck and I was convenient?"

"That's not fair," Justin defended. "_You came on to me_. I haven't been the same since my father died."

"You still could have said 'no',"

"You're right," Justin admitted. "I could have. But I wanted it Ethan. It wasn't meaningless. I needed it. But I don't anymore. I can't lie to you."

Ethan turned from him and when Justin reached to take his arm he pulled it roughly from his grasp.

"I know how it sounds," he continued. "But I swear, I didn't use you. I don't know how else to explain this . . .I'm sorry."

The dark haired young man licked his lips and once again folded his arms across his chest.

"So what do we do now?"

****

To be continued. 

****


	7. You're in the Arms of the Angel

Justin gazed back at him with honest eyes.  
  
"Try and fix things," he responded. "As best we can."  
  
Ethan nodded but took a step away from him.  
  
"Well then, I think the best thing would be for me to move out."  
  
"And go where?"  
  
"That place I told you about that's only a little ways up from here."  
  
"Ethan, I know what you're talking about and that place is a shithole."  
  
When the dark haired man looked as if he were about to protest, Justin continued before he could begin.  
  
"I told you before that you could stay here until you found a place of your own, a decent place of your own, and I meant it."  
  
The sudden ringing of Justin's phone caught both young men off guard. Sighing, Justin moved to silence it.  
  
"Hello? . . . oh, hey . . . not really, why? . . . is everything OK? . . . yeah . . .all right . . . bye."   
  
As he placed the phone back in its cradle, Ethan questioned him.   
  
"Who was that?"  
  
Justin faltered a bit before he answered.   
  
"Michael. He needs to talk to me about the book."  
  
"Is it serious?"  
  
The young man paused for a moment as he recalled the conversation.  
  
"Could be."  
  
Justin moved to put on his coat that was hanging over a nearby chair.  
  
"I need to go and sort this out with him," he explained as he slid the warm material over his shoulders. "Please stay here Ethan. I mean, I'd understand if you left, but I'm asking you to stay. I care about you."  
  
Ethan nodded and held back the sudden tears as Justin leaned in to kiss his cheek. The artist offered him a slight, gentle smile before he turned and walked out the door with a determined step.   
  
Taking in a deep breath, Justin could feel his heart pounding against his chest as he knocked on the cold metal door. He had no idea that Brian wanted to talk to him about and accordingly, he had no idea what to expect. When the door slid back however, his mind went blank. Brian stood before him dressed from head to toe in black. From the tight denim that covered his long legs to the loose shirt that he'd left unbuttoned at the neck.  
  
There was no air in the building. Justin struggled to find breath.   
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Come on in," the taller man instructed as he moved out of the threshold.  
  
Smiling a little with uncertainty, Justin moved past him and into the loft. As the door slid shut he turned to face his host.  
  
"So what did you want to - "  
  
Justin's words were cut short by Brian's sudden grip on him. In one smooth movement the skilled man pulled their bodies and lips together. Eyes wide, Justin was too shocked to respond at first but the familiar warmth and comfort soon overtook the awkwardness and he sighed and closed his eyes, concentrating everything he had on that feeling that he had for so long been without. When Brian pulled away both of them were out of breath. Leaning in again, he kissed the tender indentation of Justin's upper lip and proceeded to rest their foreheads together.   
  
"I gave it some thought," he whispered against him. "I decided you should take me back."  
  
Justin pulled away so that he could look into his eyes.  
  
"Even though I've made some mistakes, I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance."   
  
Justin felt like he had been hit by a train and all he could do was continue to stare into the one man who meant everything to him; the man who, with one glance, had changed his life and his world forever.   
  
"Because now I understand what it is you want . . . and you can expect to see different things from me."  
  
The younger man's breath had become ragged and he bit his lower lip to keep it from trembling. Brian's hand traveled up from where it had been resting at his neck and cupped the side of his face. Justin wrapped his fingers around that wrist and felt his body relax.   
  
"I want to," Justin whispered. "I wanna come back."  
  
"Then do it," Brian softly insisted.   
  
Justin leaned into the warm hand resting on his face.  
  
"I don't sleep anymore Justin. I haven't slept since the night you left."  
  
Justin slid both arms down around Brian's waist and leaned in to kiss his lips again.  
  
"I can't have you not sleeping now can I?" he mumbled into Brian's mouth.  
  
The taller man smiled against him and dipped his head slightly to claim another kiss from the corner of his mouth.   
  
"Do you have any food?" Justin suddenly asked. "I'm starving."  
  
Brian looked at him blankly for a moment before he seemed to remember that he was dealing with a 19-year-old boy.  
  
"Not much," he admitted. "But I think there's some ice cream in the freezer."  
  
Justin raised his eyebrows a little.  
  
"Vanilla?"  
  
Brian smiled as his fingers moved to slide the coat from Justin's shoulders.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"You sure you're OK to do this?" Brian asked.  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine," came the unsure answer. "This was going to have to happen sometime . . . I just didn't think it would really come this fast."  
  
"You don't have to do it right now, at this instant," Brian insisted.  
  
"Yes, I do," Justin corrected. "I'll be fine."  
  
Brian paused and then leaned over to plant a warm, comforting kiss on his lover's mouth.  
  
"I'll wait here."  
  
Justin nodded and then slid out of the passenger's side of Brian's jeep. All the way up to his apartment he practiced what he would say in his mind knowing full well that he would never employ any of his premeditated speech. He unlocked the door, said a prayer to the God he wasn't even sure he believed in, and opened the door.  
  
"Ethan?" he called out. "Are you here?"  
  
Upon getting no response, Justin closed the door and moved deeper into the apartment.   
  
"Ethan?" he called out again.  
  
"You're going back to him aren't you?"  
  
Justin gasped and whirled around to find who he had been looking for standing right behind him.   
  
"Jesus Christ, you scared me."  
  
"Did you come back to tell me that you're going back to him?"   
  
Not feeling any reason as to why he should lie, Justin honestly answered him.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Ethan sighed and lowered his head.  
  
"I knew it," he began. "I knew it the second you left that you were with him. Justin, are you never going to learn?"  
  
"Learn what?"  
  
"He used you! And now you're going back to him and he's going to do it all over again!"  
  
"He never used me, Ethan, I left him because I wasn't able to understand him," Justin explained. "I couldn't read his signals, the messages he sent me day after day . . . and even though I still can't understand them very well, I do read them now."  
  
"Justin," Ethan continued in a softer tone. "I don't want to see you hurt again."  
  
"Then you have to let me go."  
  
The two young men connected with their eyes and the blonde carefully took a step closer.   
  
"Look, what I pay for this place isn't much more than for what they're asking for that shithole down the road. I want you to stay here."  
  
Ethan gave him a questioning stare.  
  
"I want you to live here."  
  
Ethan shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"Justin . . . "  
  
"No," Justin protested. "I want you to. You're close to school and it's a nice neighborhood and I'll be able to visit you as often as I like."   
  
Ethan slowly smiled very slightly.  
  
"You're insane," he quietly laughed. "Do you know that?"  
  
Justin grinned.  
  
"Sometimes you have to be when you know what's right."  
  
The violinist smiled and moved to wrap his arms around him. Justin sighed with relief and returned the warmth.  
  
"If he hurts you again, can I kick his ass?"   
  
Justin laughed out loud as Ethan did before he embraced him again quickly and discussed a few fine points before walking out the door and down to the street where his salvation awaited him.   
  
To be continued 


	8. May You Find Some Comfort There

Epilogue 

"What the fuck is all over my floor?"

Justin didn't take his eyes off his newly acquired easel to answer his lover who had just returned from work. 

"Protection."

After setting his briefcase down on the counter, Brian cautiously stepped over to Justin amid the crunching sound of the newspapers under his feet. Jennifer had so lovingly bought her son an easel for his beginning into true painting and currently, he was working on converting his "humanity" piece into watercolor. 

"You think that will keep you safe?" He whispered in a deep voice, arms reaching around the teenager from behind.

"Paint!" Justin exclaimed causing Brian to freeze in his tracks and withdraw his hands with a sigh. He waited for Justin to turn and make eye contact with him and after a few long moments, resorted to waving a hand before the shining blue eyes.

"Hmm?"

Brian smiled as he looked at him. His clothes and hair were disheveled, eyes wide with excitement and passion, tiny specks of paint on his face, neck and hands. Clasping his chin with his thumb and index finger, Brian pulled his head up slightly to kiss his lips. The younger man's fingers unavoidably found their way to the side of Brian's face where they gently made their presence known. Pulling away, Justin smirked a little at the tiny wisp of brown marring his lover's cheek. 

"Gotcha," he whispered moving his hands slightly under Brian's jacket. "You'd better take this off unless you want your clothes to meet the same fate."

When Justin retracted his hand, Brian's came forth and slowly closed around his wrist. 

"You do it," he breathed.

The blonde looked around for something to wipe his hands with and Brian leaned in again to kiss his forehead.

"Now," came a throaty, seductive whisper. 

Feeling the older man's breath warm against his face, Justin set about his task and within minutes the two had managed to find their way to the large pillows that Brian kept on the floor. Flesh against flesh, they moved against each other, meeting needs with passionate embraces and answering moans with kisses. Afterwards, Brian dozed off and Justin lay next to him, head propped up on his arm, admiring the beauty that his lover was. With a small grin he moved to retrieve a fine paintbrush and after coating it in black, returned to Brian's side. 

His hands found the soft hollow of skin just above Brian's hipbone. With a smooth hand and the pride of a creator, Justin signed his masterpiece. 

****

The End


End file.
